Five things I learned coaching at the Texas Conference for Women
Last week, I won the lottery. I submitted a wispy application and was, by chance, given the privilege of setting up shop to coach six women during the Texas Conference for Women. Each woman gained key insights and a clarified understanding of what her next move will be. But I also walked away clutching my own winnings—a collection of small reminders and epiphanies to nourish my personal, admittedly self-resistant, quest to be just a tiny bit more bold.
1. Most of us know what we want, we’re often just seeking authentication. Many who came to me for coaching indicated they were seeking clarity. “What’s unclear?” I asked. What followed was typically some version of, “I want . . . but.” I want to pursue a role in management, but I’m not sure I have enough experience. I want to finish my novel, but I’m not sure I have what it takes to endure the rejection. I want to seek a promotion, but I’m not sure I’m confident enough to ask. Perhaps I recognize this pattern because I’ve seen it in myself. Often, it’s not our desires that are unclear, it’s our capabilities, our drive, or our agency that is seeking a type of two-factor authentication.
2. Listen to your own intuition or that inner voice will become so small you won’t be able to hear it anymore. This was sage advice given by Bozoma Saint John, a Ghanaian-American businessperson and former marketing executive. Through anecdotal narrative, Bozoma placed us inside the friendship of two women—one where the other’s advice is requested but never heeded. Eventually, knowing it’ll be dismissed, the friends stop sharing their advice with one another. This is what we do to our friend Intuition when we fail to listen to and take seriously our own inner voice.
3. Being judged is less important than learning to be vulnerable. Charles Duhigg, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and author, offered up this simple definition of conversational vulnerability: telling someone something they can judge. Holding back, in an attempt to protect oneself, might prevent us from the pain of being or feeling judged, but at what cost? When you consider the matching principle, it could be the cost of human connection. Or it could be the cost of never learning to do something even more important to personal growth—subjecting your true self to the scrutiny of others and surviving.
4. Continuing to cling to what you think it should be might be keeping you from envisioning what it could be. Australian-American actress and film producer Nicole Kidman shared this perspective when talking about the fraught task of endeavoring to map out a life or a career. Drawing upon the example of her own sister who had six kids before going to law school and becoming an attorney later in life, Kidman exhorted us to abandon the societal conditioning that can anesthetize our own sense of wonder and creativity for what our lives could be. When we get stuck thinking about how our life hasn’t unfolded the way we expected or even the way we planned, we are at risk of losing sight of our own agency and cache of possibilities.
5. Courage is needed most for the you-against-you moments. This is a bit counterintuitive. Even the dictionary tells us courage is the quality of mind or spirit that enables us to face difficulty, danger, or pain—all external oppressors. But Mel Robbins, author and award-winning podcast host, reminded us we need courage most to face ourselves. When it comes to seeing our own capabilities, tapping into our own inner strength, and pursuing what we really want, we need courage to set aside our insecurities, self-doubts, inertia, and fears. Turns out, courage, not just discipline, is what we need most to get out of our own way.
In my efforts to practice each one of these lessons, I’m trusting my own inner voice and resisting the urge to submit this small piece for another’s approval or authentication; I’m subjecting my thoughts and writing to the scrutiny of others; I’m acknowledging this should be better, but it could be good enough; and, finally, I’m courageously doing battle with myself by sharing my singular take on a conference attended by 8,000 women instead of giving in to the part of me that wanted to spend the afternoon hiding in a book.
